Spiritual and personal development are beautiful things that are supposed to make our lives better, but what happens when things get worse?
What did you do today - is the question I have been dreading for a month. My life has not been pretty. Sleeping for 12 hours, then crying for 5 hours doesn't leave much time for anything else. Heavy internal work looks like nothing.
It looks like I am literally not doing anything.
I don’t want to talk about.
Luckily, no one wants to hear about it. Except that isn't true. Feeling terrible is part of the spiritual journey. The journey of realizing that you are a spiritual being, and then acting like it. To see yourself as infinite is beautiful, but it involves not-so-pretty moments. It can get ugly. It should get ugly - the ugly feelings and emotions that brought me here are the ones that will bring me through.
“It’s darkest before the dawn.” They say. “Without the dark, there would be no light.” I’ve heard. Well, Fuck. I say, this sucks.
This is my to-do list for the past month-
Sleeping, journaling, crying, yoga, meditation, getting out of bed, getting back into bed, calling a sympathetic friend, telling my story, listening to stories, changing my story. Changing the story I choose to tell myself. Accepting my feelings as something that I created, an emotion that I chose to feel. Taking ownership for the story I created. Owning how I feel about my story. Choosing to be sad. Choosing to wrap myself up in the dirt of my ugly behavior.
Choosing something different. Choosing to see myself as I really am. Not liking that person. Not wanting to be that person. Deciding that old person must die. My ego must die. Those old habits must die. Those old emotions must die. The old story must die.
Healing comes from truth in sadness
I came from a place of real darkness. Using yoga, meditation, and supportive relationships to keep me grounded and keep me safe, I was able to stay in the pain and sadness. That is where the healing comes from - staying with sadness. Being honest with the sadness. Choosing to see my story, change my story. Choosing to love myself, no matter what. Choosing to take ownership of my actions and my feelings. Giving myself love and practicing self-care. Accepting that things suck, and not covering it up with excuses or promises of a better tomorrow. Knowing that this feeling is temporary.
What to do what spiritual growth turns ugly?
1. Be honest with the sadness.
2. Choose to see the story with truth, and change the story.
3. Choose to love myself, no matter what.
4. Choose to take ownership of actions and feelings.
5. Practice self-care.
6. Accept that things suck, and not cover it up with excuses or promises of a better tomorrow.
7. Know that this feeling is temporary.
8. Ask for help and share your story.
Two months later, and suddenly I felt a little better, a little lighter. The next week, that lighter feeling stuck around just a little longer. Four months later, I feel like I did before the cold winter started. I am changed, and I am healed. Now, I want to choose my happiness.
It was so valuable for me to fully feel my emotions of anger, frustration, and sadness. I better understand myself and my place in the world because I gave myself space to answer some hard questions. Questions like: Am I living my best expression of love? What do I want to contribute to the world?
I am ready to Choose Love
I know that what I put into the world will be based on Love. I will choose love, and the time is now. Power is in the present moment. Choosing love means choosing to smile, be nice, and compliment. These little changes of heart will lead to big changes in our communities and through the world.
I had an idea to have a Love Parade
Support the Love Parade NYC in 3 ways: