I woke up to today feeling anxious and agitated. I have been challenging myself lately.
More yoga, deeper meditation.
More vulnerability, deeper connections.
More risks, deeper feeling arise.
More fears and insecurities come up each time I go deeper within myself. The little voice in my head that snears, “Who, you? Why would you think you deserve that? Why would you think that is possible? What do you know?”
That little voice, keeping me down. Releases my fear of judgement, replays my past failures and says, “This could happen again if you keep taking risks. Remember how painful that felt?”
That little voice is my ego, and she wants to protect me from pain. She wants things to stay the same, or possibly go back to the way things were before. Because that is safe. My ego and I know how we respond and feel to those things that happen over and over. Even the pain has a certain comfort in it’s familiarity.
That is where that little voice and I are different. I want things to get better. Something is better than nothing. New pain is better than old pain. I am willing to take risks, even if that little voice follows me around, reminding me that I “could” fail and that I “have” failed before.
I am motivated by the creative force that explodes inside of me.
But not today.
Today I rest.
I comfort that voice, the little one that tells me to stop, wait, think. I will stop, and wait, and think. But I won’t let that voice control the conversation. I won’t judge that part of me for being fearful. I won’t shut it up and stuff it away in the dark corner. I will listen, I will write, I will care for myself.
Today is a time for rest. A time to see my fears, and witness them. Where are you, my fears? Come out from the dark corner of my mind where you like to yell out damaging lies. Come out where I can see you, and I will write you down. We can talk, and we can choose to see things differently. Or maybe we will just talk and start to see a truth for the first time. What is true about my perception? Where is the truth in my fear?
That is the start. To witness, to understand. That is all anyone wants, to feel understood and to feel seen, including me. Including my little voice inside.
Feeling better doesn’t mean feeling great.
Just a small improvement, going from 20% enthusiasm to 50% can change the day. That could be the difference between getting out of bed or not. No one would argue that 50% happiness level is great, but it is better than where you started. Moving towards a better feeling will lead to a great feeling.
Here are a few things I am doing to feel better:
Stretch. Go to a yoga class or just moving my body for a few minutes.
Cry. Find something that makes you feel and have a release.
Smile. Find something to smile about. Inspiration on Pinterest.
Write. Journal about your feelings, everything in your head is valid.
Eat. Nourish your brain and your soul with clean food.
I hope you get out of bed this morning, but if not, that is ok too. It is not always about being great, sometimes it is about being just a little better than before.
Peace, Love, Sat Nam